Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Now What

Dear Friends
It's early morning here. I'm hiding in bed with the cat. We have become best friends, especially since everyone has left and she has realized I'm the only food source available. I talk to her constantly, she stares at me, she lays on my stomach, she tolerates my crying sessions and I am beginning to realize she is much smarter than I am. She sits still with her grief, staring out the window. I have a lot to learn from this cat.

I've decided to continue writing on this blog for awhile. I think it's helped me to express my feelings and from speaking with many of you, perhaps it's helped you deal with losing Ellen as well. I cannot understand all of the raw emotions flowing through me these past couple of weeks, but I know I have to sort them out and begin this difficult journey of finding "me" again. It might get ugly.

Ellens service was beautiful. It was such a loving tribute to her and so many friends and family traveled to be here for it. I think what most people seemed to take from the service was the feeling of a positive and healing love. It brought us close to Ellen and each other, it comforted us, it helped us understand who she was in this world. It was uplifting. It was a lovefest. It was so Ellen. I know I will carry this with me these next months, reminding me when I am down, hiding in bed and not sure how to put my foot on the floor. This is who Ellen was in this world, a healing message of love.

The cat already knew this.


Pam Felth said...

Dear Cathy,
I can't speak for everyone who has followed this blog, but I would not be surprised to find we all feel the same in our continued concern for you, and our wish to be supportive of you. I imagine we all hoped for the same miracle. Now that Ellen is gone and you are here without her, I am wishing for something different. I hope you can find comfort. I hope you can begin to fill gaps. I hope you find inspiration for your art. I hope time will begin to heal your hurt. Please do keep writing. Let us know what we can do to help. Pam

Anonymous said...

I checked the blog today hoping that you were still writing. I think of you and Iggy often. I am not good putting my feelings out there for everyone to see but just know that you are in my heart.

Anonymous said...

I love you and I came to hide out with you but you were out! Bummer for me, but good for you. I will be buzzing around; I have much to learn from Iggy as well.

danielle said...

Dear Cathy,

These days may certainly be more difficult for you,because after having so much to do for so many rough weeks,now you really face the loss of your beloved and your feelings of pain and loneliness.
Please take care of yourself,Cathy, and don't hesitate to look for help from all of us.We would love to be able to bring you some comfort..
You are always in my thoughts,


Anonymous said...

hi cathy,
Donna told me you were still writing. you write openly and honestly from your heart, quite beautifully really. Please do continue and let all of that love shine into our lifes.

Kathy Prudhomme said...

Cathy, Corky's and my hearts are with you. We have both lost our partners, so we understand some of what you're going through. But, the devotion and care you gave her also gave your life a purpose. Now your healing will need to be your new purpose. We love you and keep you in our hearts. (We will be at Irene and Carol's in March and would love to get the chance to see you then.) Love, Kathy and Corky