Sunday, September 12, 2010

The journey home.

Dear Ellen
Oh, it's so good to be home. Sitting here on my Sunday bed, surrounded by newspapers and cat, a cup of coffee not from an odd machine in a hotel. No concerns about tearing the room apart for those damn bedbugs I was paranoid about all the way across America.
I am home from my 4,800 mile adventure and finally rested. I know there was an art show sandwiched in between the 60 hours of car therapy, but I realized on the last few hundred miles it was about so much more. I was delirious at that point, but knew it had been a journey I had to find my way through. I think I wanted to push myself, remove myself from a comfortable routine and strip my thoughts down to their core. I resisted for a couple of days and then as I crossed into the Mojave Desert my protective barriers dissolved and so did I. It seemed to fit the desert landscape. Sometimes, I guess, you have to be in a desolate place to find what you're looking for. After some hard tears I found such a beautiful sense of peace as I rolled along, deep in thought, watching the sunrise in my rear view window.

The hole in my chest is closing. It's smaller now. It was a gaping tear reflected in my sculptures, hard to look at without cringing, but necessary for the process of spilling out my grief. I am sure there will always be a small opening near the scar. Grieving you will be a part of me, just as love for you will be held within.
Now though, the opening is left behind for what comes to spill in. Now I have room for whatever it will be.

So the journey emptied me and yet I feel filled again. Funny how sixty odd hours spent in a car with yourself can do that.

The cat is snoring. Happy dreams I suppose. Maybe she's happy I'm home.

I know I am.


Anonymous said...

Welcome back, you've been missed.

NOJuju said...

Welcome home!! I want to come see you and find out how it went but I am leaving for Berlin and Venice Tuesday morning (eeee!!) so I don't think I'll be able to. Once I get back though... I hope the show was great and worth the 10 years of therapy packed into 6 days. Was thinking of you and hoping you were doing alright.


Anonymous said...

You may it through another huge event with flying colors and by the sound of your voice during the trip it was time well spent. I'm happy you're home... I'm quite sure the cat is too...

Debbie xoxo