Sunday, March 14, 2010

Questions

Dear Ellen

It's been an interesting week of varied encounters and emotions. What I'm learning is each day is going to be different and I can wake up and expect only that. My feelings are aboard Mr Toad's Wild Ride and the best I can do is hold on tight. When it's not terrifying to be out of control, it's exhillarating to feel the wind in my face. By the end of the day I'm exhausted, regardless of whether I even spoke with another person or engaged in the slightest activity. The cat and I drag our weary asses upstairs at night to watch stupid television shows, just so we can escape ourselves.

It's not all that bad, just confusing. The slightest thoughts or memories can fill me with joy or leave me pleading for the damnation of the universe. And either reaction can originate with the same thought, it just depends on whether I've had coffee yet or not, or the sun is shining, or a stranger says good morning, or the scent of the Sweet Olive tree fills the air as I walk to work. Am I that fragile? How can I do all I am doing in a day and still know the scent of your favorite flower will reduce me to tears. Can I even determine the difference between tears of joy or sadness anymore? When I walk to work should I take a different route to avoid the question?

I can hear you say "no" to that last question.

Where does all this lead me to? What am I supposed to be learning? Why do I think so much? Somebody needs to slap me. The cat would gladly oblige, but I won't give her the pleasure. It's time to get up, make more coffee and walk to work.
Today can be anything at all and more, it just depends on what route I choose to take.

I miss you so much.
love,
cathy

2 comments:

Pam Felth said...

Cathy,
Ellen would be (is?) so proud of your gallery and the opening. I know it's hard dragging your weary ass up the stairs to watch stupid tv, but you have done so much else. It's beautiful how you have kept Ellen in your life through these months instead of trying not to. I don't know which is harder or even if it's possible to choose, but I love the path you are taking. It's balanced and healthy.
Your friend,
Pam

Marie said...

Walk on. Feeling the fear, the tightrope, the grief and the joy. Talking . Writing. Creating. You are amazing, though you do not feel it or know it now. Through all with an open heart.