Sunday, March 21, 2010

The 50th Time

Dear Ellen

It's been an interesting week. I never know what to expect when I get up in the morning, but I think that might be a good thing. If I knew what was coming in a day I may not be so ambitious about climbing out of bed. Not that it's all bad, just overwhelming in a confusing insane sort of way. You think you've got something figured out only to realize you haven't even scraped the surface and you're still on hold, waiting for a human being to answer the call.

I'm learning about balance again. For the 50th time. I'm trying to figure out who I am in this new beginning place and it's really awkward for me. My feelings often confuse my perspective, affect my reactions, cloud clear thinking and turn me into a bewildered adult with an eight year old mentality. This makes for interesting conversations with myself, but does confuse my friends. I am trying to understand new boundaries, new challenges, a new relationship with myself and it requires balance. It requires standing outside my own skin observing the chaos and then deciding how I might tweak my thinking. It requires me to remember my manners, sometimes with others, but mostly within myself. It's kind of exhausting, but if I can figure out the most simple things these days, then I celebrate a victory.

What I missed the most this week is our long talks. You would always listen to me, always understood me and always told me to get over myself. I miss that. I miss how we would collapse in laughter when I would finally realize how absurd I was. Maybe that's my problem, it's hard to find balance when half of me is still missing.



Anonymous said...

Dear Cathy,
We missed you at the Winter Park Art Festival this weekend. Danielle and I said to each other every day she was here "We need to call Cathy". We wanted to call you together for some reason. It never quite happened between the show and Ainsley. It seems quite funny now...

I'm afraid I had a secret resentment against a certain mixed media artist who's work (In my opinion) doesn't even compare to yours. I don't even know her or his name. Danielle will confirm this as I mentioned it several times. OMG! Mixed media robots? Don't even get me started...

It was reassuring to check the blog and find a new entry. Your writing sometimes reminds me of that movie about 'Being John Malcovitz'. Did you ever see it? If not... It's a must see...

It makes me happy to think of you both collapsing in laughter... I will carry that with me.

Your friend,

danielle said...

Dear Cathy,

Miss you so much at the Art Festival.
I am glad I was with Debbie...Our conversations,the photographs of Ellen and you and your beautiful artwork everywhere in Debbie's house made me think that you were with us, both of you deep in our heart...

Much love,