Sunday, April 11, 2010


Dear Ellen

I'm trying to remember a time, a moment, a day we shared together before our lives turned upside down. I want to remember one and hold on to it. As hard as it is to remember the final weeks, it's almost more painful to remember a time when we were happy and free. That's when the full enormity of loss hit's me, when I know happiness was taken.
I want to remember you on your finest day. With shorts and flip-flops and a wide brimmed hat on a bicycle bound for glory. With a huge smile and a swing in your step, dancing in the Jazz tent to John Boutte'. I want to ache with the thought of you sitting on the beach, feeling the sun on your face. Memories wash over me and the sorrow is deep, but this is what I want. I don't want to keep crying over the horrors of cancer and what it robbed us of. I want to cry over the beautiful memories and what they gave me. That's what I want to remember. That's what I want to feel.

You on your finest day.



Anonymous said...

My dear friend,

I don't know what to say that will help... I guess just that I love you and I hear you... I want you to know that your voice, your thoughts, aren't going out unregistered by those of us that still come here to this blog to check in... We are all holding you in our hearts... I am holding you both in my heart.


Peggy Suarez said...

Dear Cathy,
Last night in yoga class we were asked to focus on joy. As I settled into my breathing and turned off my thinking mind a very clear picture of you and Ellen emerged. (the one of the two of you on the blog page) I’ve learned at this point not to try and figure out why certain things or people surface, just know there’s a reason and continue to breath.
Later on I realized I do think of joy when I think of the two of you. The joy you shared in each other was evident. But there’s also the joy I’m hoping for you as this continuing journey of yours unfolds. Your resilience and your hope have been an inspiration to me and I’m most certain to many others. Here’s to moments of joy scattered throughout your day.


Kathy Prudhomme said...

You are striving to live the best legacy someone leaves us, the memory of love and joy that person brought to our lives. Unfortunately, the only way to get there is step by step, with a lot of potholes along the way. Good for you, thinking of the sunshine and butterflies. Love, Utah Kathy

Anonymous said...

I remember the way Ellen called you "Baby" with so much affection and joy. I remember the way you always wanted to get Ellen a little something when you were away at a show, and how Ellen would shine when she wore her gifts from you. The sweetness, that is what defines Ellen for me and continues to do so.
With love,