Voices

Dear Ellen

There are so many changes happpening with me. Sometimes I don't know who I am or who I've become without you. Sometimes I can't remember the person who was your partner. There are days when I don't recognize myself, as though I'm so detached I can't feel or see who I am in the mirror. It's as though I am floating through the days and though they might be full of people, I'm not there. I'm staring at them and I know I'm talking with them, but my voice feels hollow, like it's coming from someone else.
I'm trying to figure out who I am in the world without you. And though it looks like I know what I'm doing, it looks like I'm "handling" things, like I'm doing "so well" the truth is I haven't got a clue. I just keep stumbling along because there's still the memory of me who was half you pointing my shell in the general direction of progress. It all looks good until I get home at night and the silence reminds me there are whole parts of me missing.

This I do know.
You have never left me.
I know this, I believe this. I feel you with me, even in my darkest moments. You have stayed with me, have watched over me, have cared about me and if you could, you would tell me how to let go of who I was. You would tell me to be patient, to take each day as it is, to let in who I can be. The little girl, the lost person inside me dosen't understand, but the woman who knew you does.

So, the missing parts will be missing for awhile. In the meantime, if I listen carefully, if I am very quiet, I can hear you. If I am paying attention I will know the way to go.

much love,
cathy