Dear Ellen
It's finally Spring. After a long, cold and rainy Winter, New Orleans is wearing a fresh coat of green. You loved this time of year. The warm weather would pull you out for long bike rides, walks by the levee, and digging in the garden. Weeding, you loved weeding for some reason I never understood. Oxalis would bring out the beast in you. We would plant beds of flowers, carefully choosing the colors, placing them in just the right spot, finally standing back on the curb to admire our work. I love remembering you in Spring, I love the memory of so much promise.
I wonder if it's Spring where you are.
Where are you? So many times I've thought about this. The day you died I felt certain you were lifted to a beautiful and spiritual place, a place I cannot comprehend. I could see it on your face with your last breath and I felt great comfort in that moment. I knew there was something beyond this world and you were safely held by those arms. But now, where are you? My mind can't wrap around an answer. Am I waiting for you to appear at the foot of the bed, waiting for you to tell me you're safe and happy? Will I hear your voice, channeled through the cat wailing at 3:00 AM? I can feel your presence sometimes, find a pillow with your scent still clinging to it, discover a note you'd written to me months ago and feel the coincidence is more than coincidence. There's good things happening for me, is that you? Is that your smile on the face of a friend or stranger who stops by the gallery for conversation? Is that you, in the warm Spring rain, coming to me like you said you would? I gather the thoughts, wanting to believe, wanting and craving the comfort they bring for even the shortest of moments. It is my faith, failing me, sustaining me.
I wonder if it's Spring where you are. I hope there's flowers.
I love you,
cathy
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Cathy and Ellen in Lafayette, Louisiana, November 2009.
Ellen Cancienne & Cathy Rose
From left: Ellen, sister Beth, Cathy, sister Carol
A diary of living with a brain tumor.
Two Lucky Girls
Cathy and Ellen in Lafayette, Louisiana, November 2009.
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Ellen & Cathy
Ellen Cancienne & Cathy Rose
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From left: Ellen, sister Beth, Cathy, sister Carol
About Ellen
On Sunday, July 13, 2008 I went to the emergency room suffering from a debilitating migraine headache. A CAT scan revealed a brain mass that subsequently was diagnosed as a stage IV glioblastoma multiforme. My life and the lives of my family and close friends have forever changed since that evening. This blog is an attempt to deal with those changes and share the highs and lows of what it is like to deal with the path my life has taken. I cannot explain what has happened, sometimes things happen which defy explanations. This is one of those things.
3 comments:
So very sweet, your feelings for Ellen. So very sweet, your relationship with her. No way to prove where she is or isn't, but definitely consider the most beautiful possibilities...
Pam
I recently heard someone describe the experience of life as a filter on our divine essence. Ellen no longer has a filter in her relationship with the physical world. She is there amongst the weeds, in the smell of a flower, and in the call of a cat. Her voice is every coincidence, and every once in awhile she will be loud and let you know she is there. Believe that and it will happen.
Betsy
I love your comment Betsy. Life is our connection and I am happy that Ellen, Cathy and you, Betsy are a part of mine.
Donna
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