Dear Friends
It's evening, a long day after the passing of Ellen. I am sitting in bed with Ellens cat curled up at my feet. "Iggy" is confused and sad, but I think I made things better by wrapping Ellens big old bathrobe around her. I told her I understood, that I would take care of her. She seemed to understand, in my feeble human way, I was trying to help. We are both in this together.
Ellens passing was peaceful and very beautiful. Her sisters, Beth, Carol, Carol's partner, Irene, my good friend Donna and myself, spent the day with Ellen. We surrounded her bedside, holding her hands and stroking her face, speaking to her with great love. Towards the end, her breathing changed, becoming quiet and slow. Moments before she stopped breathing, I looked at her face and saw, clearly, a glow of light. As though her face were bathed in escaping light. She took several slow breaths and then stopped. It was so silent, so sacred, so incredibly peaceful. I felt the presence of something powerful, joyous and comforting. I know, deeply, she was lifted up and carried to a truly beautiful place. There is no doubt in my heart about this. A cold and cloudy day and with her passing, the sun broke through the clouds. I can't explain all of this, I can only express the awesome power which everyone in the room experienced.
When Ellen was a young child, she had a wonderful Great Aunt who was a strong and loving presence in her life. She was "Aunt Nan" and Ellen adored her, speaking so often of her with great affection, especially in the recent months of her illness.
They had a very special bond. Nan died January 4, 1990. Twenty years to the day, she came and carried Ellen home.
We are planning a service for Ellen, hopefully for next week, either on Wednesday or Thursday. I am trying to arrange the location for the service so that those of you who wish to attend can make preparations. I should know more by tommorow and will post the information. As part of the service I would to invite all of you to express your thoughts or memories of Ellen in a short note to her. I will take all of these messages of love and place them in a box for her at the service. You can email your message to her at: porcelainheart@cox.net, or mail it to: 1031 Fern Street, New Orleans, LA 70118.
I will post again tomorrow with information regarding her memorial service.
Thank you so much for you loving prayers of support. I know she still hears you.
love
cathy
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
Saying Goodbye
Dear Friends
Ellen, my love, passed away peacefully this afternoon at 4:20.
She was beautiful, it was incredibly spiritual and I know she is happy and
free.
Your loving prayers, all of you, lifted her from this world to a joyous place.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I will write again tomorrow, there is a wonderful story about her passing I would
like to share. I would also like to ask you to participate in her celebration which I hope to be planning in the coming week.
I am sad, I am numb, I will be lost without her, but I am happy knowing she is finally free.
Love,
cathy
Ellen, my love, passed away peacefully this afternoon at 4:20.
She was beautiful, it was incredibly spiritual and I know she is happy and
free.
Your loving prayers, all of you, lifted her from this world to a joyous place.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I will write again tomorrow, there is a wonderful story about her passing I would
like to share. I would also like to ask you to participate in her celebration which I hope to be planning in the coming week.
I am sad, I am numb, I will be lost without her, but I am happy knowing she is finally free.
Love,
cathy
Monday morning
Dear Friends
I am again sitting next to Ellen's bedside. She has reached the point when her body is shutting down, her breathing labored and she has lapsed into a coma. Her heart rate is very high and has been since yesterday afternoon. I stayed by her side last night, listening, holding her hand, talking to her. I believe the end is very near, possibly this day. It's painful to watch her labor, painful to only watch and wait. We have all, her friends and family, encouraged her to let go, to be free of the body which holds her soul hostage.
She is so beautiful, even now.
love,
cathy
I am again sitting next to Ellen's bedside. She has reached the point when her body is shutting down, her breathing labored and she has lapsed into a coma. Her heart rate is very high and has been since yesterday afternoon. I stayed by her side last night, listening, holding her hand, talking to her. I believe the end is very near, possibly this day. It's painful to watch her labor, painful to only watch and wait. We have all, her friends and family, encouraged her to let go, to be free of the body which holds her soul hostage.
She is so beautiful, even now.
love,
cathy
Saturday, January 2, 2010
January 2
Dear Friends
Yesterday morning Ellen declined again, spiking a high fever and not rebounding from it. We suspect she has bled into her brain again, or the tumor has affected her body thermostat center. She is not in a coma, but lies quietly or sleeps most of the time. Her breathing is labored and we have stopped giving her nourishment or fluids due to the danger of choking. We are keeping her medicated with morphine and I have been told repeatedly she is not in pain or uncomfortable. Her wishes were to remain here at home and that is what I intend to do.
At this moment, she is sleeping. I listen to her breathing. I gaze over to her as I am writing and she appears peaceful, a very small smile at the corners of her mouth. I wonder what she is dreaming about, but I can imagine it's a sweet dream, with plenty of angels. I take comfort knowing she isn't in pain, knowing she is surrounded by love, knowing she is home where she wanted to be, knowing she will soon be free of the cancer.
She is beautiful and brave and such a sweet, loving soul. I feel so blessed she let me share this most sacred journey with her.
I know you all will keep her close in your prayers.
love,
cathy
Yesterday morning Ellen declined again, spiking a high fever and not rebounding from it. We suspect she has bled into her brain again, or the tumor has affected her body thermostat center. She is not in a coma, but lies quietly or sleeps most of the time. Her breathing is labored and we have stopped giving her nourishment or fluids due to the danger of choking. We are keeping her medicated with morphine and I have been told repeatedly she is not in pain or uncomfortable. Her wishes were to remain here at home and that is what I intend to do.
At this moment, she is sleeping. I listen to her breathing. I gaze over to her as I am writing and she appears peaceful, a very small smile at the corners of her mouth. I wonder what she is dreaming about, but I can imagine it's a sweet dream, with plenty of angels. I take comfort knowing she isn't in pain, knowing she is surrounded by love, knowing she is home where she wanted to be, knowing she will soon be free of the cancer.
She is beautiful and brave and such a sweet, loving soul. I feel so blessed she let me share this most sacred journey with her.
I know you all will keep her close in your prayers.
love,
cathy
Thursday, December 31, 2009
New Years Eve
Dear Friends
It's New Years Eve and I am sitting next to Ellen as she rests. The day has been quiet and finally, after another day of rain and gloom, the sun has been shining brightly through the living room window. It's been a long and difficult week so a little sunshine is much appreciated.
Ellen has continued to decline each day. She sleeps most of the time and drinks or eats very little. Her sister, Beth and I tend to her needs. A health care aide comes each day to bath her. Friends and family come and spend time next to her, holding her hand, speaking softly to her. She is treated with such tenderness and love, I know she must feel it in their touch. She is more wakeful in the mornings, more alert and during this time there are fleeting moments when I am sure she feels my presence. Her eyes rarely recognize me, but I know she is comforted by my voice and touch.
This process, transition from life to death, is painful to witness, but it is also a beautiful experience. I feel blessed she has allowed me to be a part of it, to allow me to care, comfort, and stay with her through these past weeks. I am amazed by her strength and comforted in turn by her peaceful acceptance of all that is happening to her body. She has taught me for so long how to truly live every moment and now she is teaching me how to let go. It is such a gift.
I have appreciated, so much, all of your support, kind words and prayers. Your simple messages have brought me comfort when I have needed them most. And I know, I believe, Ellen has heard you all.
love,
cathy
It's New Years Eve and I am sitting next to Ellen as she rests. The day has been quiet and finally, after another day of rain and gloom, the sun has been shining brightly through the living room window. It's been a long and difficult week so a little sunshine is much appreciated.
Ellen has continued to decline each day. She sleeps most of the time and drinks or eats very little. Her sister, Beth and I tend to her needs. A health care aide comes each day to bath her. Friends and family come and spend time next to her, holding her hand, speaking softly to her. She is treated with such tenderness and love, I know she must feel it in their touch. She is more wakeful in the mornings, more alert and during this time there are fleeting moments when I am sure she feels my presence. Her eyes rarely recognize me, but I know she is comforted by my voice and touch.
This process, transition from life to death, is painful to witness, but it is also a beautiful experience. I feel blessed she has allowed me to be a part of it, to allow me to care, comfort, and stay with her through these past weeks. I am amazed by her strength and comforted in turn by her peaceful acceptance of all that is happening to her body. She has taught me for so long how to truly live every moment and now she is teaching me how to let go. It is such a gift.
I have appreciated, so much, all of your support, kind words and prayers. Your simple messages have brought me comfort when I have needed them most. And I know, I believe, Ellen has heard you all.
love,
cathy
Friday, December 25, 2009
Christmas Day
Dear Friends
It's Christmas Day. I am sitting next to Ellen who is lies sleeping in a hospital bed placed in the center of our living room. We are alone and quiet while her sisters, who have been here almost constantly for over a week, attend Christmas mass.
Ellen's cat, Iggy, her companion of 14 years is curled up next to her. It is beautiful to see them find comfort in each other.
Ellen has continued to decline in a short period of time. She is confined to the bed, unable to move as the right side of her body becomes weaker. She eats and drinks in small amounts. She sleeps lengths of time induced by pain relieving morphine. She cannot communicate, but understands those who come to visit. Words are no longer neccesary as she speaks with her eyes and a sweet smile for those lucky enough to catch her awake.
I sleep next to her at night, here on the sofa. I wake up often, checking on her, caring for her, telling her how much she is loved. I know she hears me, but I know she is going deeper and deeper into a place which is hers alone. Yesterday I went to the Father Seelos shrine to pray. Not for healing anymore, now I pray for her freedom. It will be so hard to lose her, but I know she is getting ready to leave.
I am asking you all to continue sending your words of love. I know they comfort her heart when I read them to her and I find great comfort in them as well.
I know she hears you.
much love,
cathy
I know she hears you.
It's Christmas Day. I am sitting next to Ellen who is lies sleeping in a hospital bed placed in the center of our living room. We are alone and quiet while her sisters, who have been here almost constantly for over a week, attend Christmas mass.
Ellen's cat, Iggy, her companion of 14 years is curled up next to her. It is beautiful to see them find comfort in each other.
Ellen has continued to decline in a short period of time. She is confined to the bed, unable to move as the right side of her body becomes weaker. She eats and drinks in small amounts. She sleeps lengths of time induced by pain relieving morphine. She cannot communicate, but understands those who come to visit. Words are no longer neccesary as she speaks with her eyes and a sweet smile for those lucky enough to catch her awake.
I sleep next to her at night, here on the sofa. I wake up often, checking on her, caring for her, telling her how much she is loved. I know she hears me, but I know she is going deeper and deeper into a place which is hers alone. Yesterday I went to the Father Seelos shrine to pray. Not for healing anymore, now I pray for her freedom. It will be so hard to lose her, but I know she is getting ready to leave.
I am asking you all to continue sending your words of love. I know they comfort her heart when I read them to her and I find great comfort in them as well.
I know she hears you.
much love,
cathy
I know she hears you.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
December 20
Dear Friends
In the many times we have written in this blog, both Ellen and I have tried to keep the news positive, always looking forward with hope. This time, I can't give you such an optimistic spin. Ellen declined again this past week, not such a dramatic change, but she became physically weaker and more withdrawn. I hoped it was just a reaction to the chemo, but by the end of the week I had to accept it as tumor progression. After consulting with the Doctor, Ellen's sister and I made a decision to call Hospice. Since Ellen can barely verbalize needs and is now quite weak I was concerned about both her safety and taking proper care of her. Obviously, this was a very difficult choice to make, knowing where it now will lead.
This was a long, hard and painful week. I feel great sadness as I lose a little bit more of this amazing woman every day. She is so strong and full of grace I can't help but accept this is the journey she chooses to make. All I can do now is just love her and stay close.
And that is what I am asking you to do as well. She can understand the messages you send as I relay or read them to her and I know she finds comfort in your prayers. Please keep her close.
love
cathy
In the many times we have written in this blog, both Ellen and I have tried to keep the news positive, always looking forward with hope. This time, I can't give you such an optimistic spin. Ellen declined again this past week, not such a dramatic change, but she became physically weaker and more withdrawn. I hoped it was just a reaction to the chemo, but by the end of the week I had to accept it as tumor progression. After consulting with the Doctor, Ellen's sister and I made a decision to call Hospice. Since Ellen can barely verbalize needs and is now quite weak I was concerned about both her safety and taking proper care of her. Obviously, this was a very difficult choice to make, knowing where it now will lead.
This was a long, hard and painful week. I feel great sadness as I lose a little bit more of this amazing woman every day. She is so strong and full of grace I can't help but accept this is the journey she chooses to make. All I can do now is just love her and stay close.
And that is what I am asking you to do as well. She can understand the messages you send as I relay or read them to her and I know she finds comfort in your prayers. Please keep her close.
love
cathy
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